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How do I deal with an older child who has reverted back to throwing temper tantrums?

1,325 views · Published 14 July 2018 · 4:51 · Indexed 27 September 2026

Channel: IntermountainParents · 2018 · Education

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You mentioned that you have a 4 year old who has reverted back to throwing tantrums, like down on the floor, kicking, screaming, pounding, and you wanted to know if this is normal. And absolutely, it is. You don't need to worry about his future, or the fact that he might be super aggressive, or anything. This is very, very normal. Kids at this age are trying to figure out their emotions, and they're experiencing them, but don't always know how to handle them. And sometimes, they're just doing it, because they are trying to get attention from mom and dad or to get something, and they are thinking that this behavior will work. So first and foremost, you can't give in to whatever they're crying about. For example, let's say you're at the grocery store and they wanted a toy, or a piece of candy, or something, and they're not getting it, certainly don't give in and give your child the toy or candy, because this will reinforce their behavior and they'll do it again and again.

Start by validating your child's feelings. You can say to him (with as little emotion as possible; you don't want to be too upset or ignore it; you need to address it, but you can just say...), "I know you're feeling angry right now, because you didn't get what you wanted, but this behavior is not acceptable." And you have to set boundaries and stick to rules and consequences, and as parents, that's kind-of the hardest thing to do. We need to be willing to follow through on the consequences that fly out of our mouths in a moment of frustration, so being consistent is so important, because if a child learns that a parent is inconsistent in their discipline or if mom and dad are doing different things, they will hone in on that. They will expose your cracks and do whatever they can to test their boundaries and to see how far they can push it.

Here are some things to consider when thinking about consequences to enforce. Enforce natural consequences. For example, if your son were to get angry, and throw a toy, and it broke, don't fix it. Throw it away. This is a natural consequence of his behavior and he should understand that. There's also logical consequences. For example, if a child has been told to clean up their toys and they don't listen (you can determine how many times you need to tell them before this happens, but...), then their toys will be taken away for a certain period of time if they don't choose to pick them up when you tell them to do it. Withholding privileges is another form of discipline that may be effective that a child might respond to. It's basically taking something away that the child likes. This could be an object, or it could be an activity. Whatever you do, make sure you're not taking away things that a child actually needs. They should never be disciplined by taking away meals, or water, or affection, really. After you've disciplined your child, it's always good to follow up with love. And distraction is really important too. If a child is starting to become agitated or frustrated and you can tell that, you may be able to avoid discipline altogether by distracting them and getting their mind on something else.

Time-outs are something else that work for a lot of children. They're most effective between the ages of 2 and 5, and they should be in time-out for as many minutes as they are old. For example, if your son is 4, then he should in time-out for 4 minutes. And it doesn't seem like much to us, but for a 4-year-old, it is a long time. And it should be in a boring place where there's not any distractions. And some children are put in time-out and they won't stay there. So for these children, it may take a couple of times to really reinforce this, but you need to take them to that location and stand in their way. Make sure they can't get around you or move away from the space, and tell them, again, with as little emotion as possible, that they need to stay where they're at. And if they're not listening and throw another tantrum, there may need to be another consequence.

Just like children are learning how to handle their emotions, we're still learning how to be parents, and we make mistakes. And sometimes, we chose a method of discipline that wasn't effective or that backfired, and sometimes, in response to our child's tantrums, we throw tantrums ourselves and get upset. And if you've done this, just learn from your mistakes. It's actually good to apologize to child if you've yelled, or overreacted, or acted inappropriately, because they'll learn from that. It teaches them. They model our behavior. Determine how you'll handle this situation differently in the future, and explain that to your child. And again, you've got to be consistent and persistent in what you enforce and how you do it. Good luck with everything, and if you have more questions in the future for me, feel free to ask them on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/IntermountainMoms, and recommend us to your friends and family too.

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