Look Who it Was Random video

I Wish Narcissistic Abuse Was NOT My Story

3,704 views · Published 10 April 2016 · 31:16 · Indexed 27 October 2026

Channel: Mark Smith Family Tree Life Coaching · 2016 · People & Blogs

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Mark Smith shares a poem that starts with the story of his unbonded and abandonment filled infancy and ends with a hope filled focus on recovery empowerment...

Mark E. Smith, MSW is the Founder and Director of Family Tree Life Coaching. He previously worked as a highly respected therapist and author in the Indianapolis area for 32+ years. He now practices as a Life and Relationship Coach. He offers coaching for individuals, couples, families, family businesses, executive leaders, pastors, and therapists. He has world class coaching expertise in Affair Recovery, Relationship Issues, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Sexual Addiction, Abuse, Trauma, Complex PTSD, Anxiety, Mid-Life Issues, Shame and Abandonment Issues. If you need a safe, courageous, cutting, marriage-jolting healer, he is your guy. You can contact Mark Smith at [email protected] and 317-507-8866.

I Wish This Was Not My Story

From the day I was born the very core of me has been need starvation, screaming baby purple rage, invisibility, unimportance, being unlovable and completely powerless.  My mother, my lifeline, let me go and allowed me to have to endure a lifetime of unending, terrifying, empty disconnection. I did not have a center as a child.  I wish this was not my story.

Mine was a mother in just title and show.  Something was always desperately wrong with that squared headed, lost, chronically over nice, shy little boy.  He had a blank look in his eyes as if no one was present.  I wish this was not my story.  

I hid my massive wound for 45 years behind strong walls of an unhealthy version of Christian faith, the distancing rescuing power of the therapist's chair and a seemingly solid marriage to a very good woman.  Then, came a nasty, out of control flood of bad mommy hunger, addiction, neediness and near insanity that shattered my beautiful young family and the heart of marriage make believe.  I wish this was not my story.  

Then, God help me, I gave my innocence, my sweet little boy's heart, my home, my family, my time, my love, my fidelity, my money, my body, my everything to a vicious illusion, a monster, a user, a vampire, a leech, a con artist, a sex addict, a borderline and psychopath ... with zero love, empathy or remorse.  I thought I loved the sweet country girl self she projected.  Like my mother before her, she threw me away.  I was need starvation, screaming baby purple rage, invisibility, unimportance, unlovable and desperate powerlessness all over again.  I wish this was my not my story. 

The surreal reality of who she really shattered me into billions pieces, broken in every possible way.  I still don't know how I lived through it. My whole being still is shocked into breathlessness every time I think about it.  I entrusted that sweet lost little boy inside me to the most vicious beast imaginable.  I wish that this was not my story.

Triggers bite me like exploding land mines.  Sudden vomiting sadness is never very far away.  Humiliating years that cannot be erased.  The emperor with no clothes.  I feel like a fool.  Who has a dark freak-ass story like mine?  (As it turns out I guess million of us do.)  I so very much wish this was not my story.  

But this IS my story.  The nightmare wasn't a dream.  This is the only story that I have.  It IS my story.

It takes great courage face off with truth. Not all people are created equal. The unbonded child inherits a lifetime of excruciating re-wounding.  

Like you, I have an opportunity to re-write how the story ends. Powered by deeply cleansing tears, scintillating insights, the encouragement of my brave and beautiful fellow survivors, a disciplined recovery regime, validating soul hugging therapy and the healing kiss of much passing time the ending of our stories can be re-written.  Join me.  Let's re-write the end of our stories into something safe and beautiful.  Right now, all we have is each single day portioned to us one at a time.  Let's re-write the ending of our stories and use each day to earnestly build towards sweet, stable and love filled futures.

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