Look Who it Was Random video

Healthy Conversation: Handling Conflict on Parenting Styles

719 views · Published 6 March 2015 · 48:13 · Indexed 20 October 2026

Channel: CJ Liu · 2015 · Howto & Style

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Dr. Susan Campbell and CJ role model a typical argument on negotiating different parenting styles.  Learn how you can can use Susan's 5 Minute Relationship Repair to resolve conflict with your partner.  Get more information on the process at: http://www.fireitupwithcj.com/?p=21113&preview=true

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=====SHOW SUMMARY==================

1) Why do we argue with our partners? (5:40) Susan explains how core needs not met as a child often get replayed in arguments. If we haven't had our needs as a child (supported and recognized, feeling protected), when we re-experience these feelings at as an adult with our partner our nervous system gets triggered and are natural response is to go into fear and respond by fight, flight, or fleeing. http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=05m40s

2) How does our brain work during fight? (7:20) Susan explains how our nervous system detects something that is dangerous to our basic needs and how our reptilian brain reacts.  Sadly, when this part of the brain takes over, we are not able to communicate effectively (note: communication happens in the front of the brain).  It is a lost cause to communicate when we are in this state. http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=07m20s

3) What does fight, flight, or flee look like in an argument?  (10:01) Susan demonstrates what these reactions may look like.  

4) How do we know that we are triggered in an argument? If you are raising your voice, hands are getting clammy, heart beats rapidly, or you get judgmental,  http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=12m43s

5) What is the best way to not escalate into a blow-out fight? Notice your feelings and call for a PAUSE (time out to calm down). Before the argument you would have sat down with your spouse and created an agreement on when you PAUSE.  The agreement would include noticing signals, we make a signal when we need to pause, ground rules for listening, and then we talk about how long it takes for each person to get calm http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=13m15s

6) What to do next time you are in an argument? Get the repair handout and fill out the blanks. It may be helpful to try this script a few times before you get to a point that you don't need it anymore.  This script is intended to relate versus controlling another person. http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=17m50s
* I like to repair what happened when I _____
* I know see that when I did ______ that I was triggered
* When ________  happened, a story came up in my mind that my needs don't matter to you  or I don't matter to you or I don't feel supported. 
* I reacted by___, but deep down inside I felt (core feeling- hurt, fear, sadness, grief, pain)
* A fear came up in me that ____ and as you know this has been a fear that I've had all my life and it reminded me of all the times when I was a kid when____
* What I need more than anything is ____________
* I want to apologize and if I had to do it all over again _______
* I want to reassure you that ___________________

7) How do you not even start the argument? (28:04) Say what you want to say in a softer voice and looking eye to eye and rewire your loved one's reaction.  Own your side of the equation. You can tell your partner that you are getting triggered, describe what you are feeling and your story, and I'm making it about me and my story. 

8) How does your partner acknowledge your feelings, tell their side of the story, and apologize? Susan demonstrates how you would acknowledge your partner and use the script in reverse.   Here's how someone may respond 
http://youtu.be/pa6NvDgK7Dc?t=33m07s

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